Christmas Season and Memory

Perhaps I should start with an apology because I know I said I would try to post something everyday. Indeed, I have thought of posting these past few days but have been unable. I am not a big crier, but I have been crying a lot. It is a double edged sword that I was so close to my grandparents. It means that I turn on the news and hear teachers in a certain district in Georgia are forbidden from wishing their students a Merry Christmas and I hear an exasperated expression, a ticking sound made with the tongue, then my grandma saying "Oh for God's sake." I can nearly laugh but I don't. If I could still pick up the phone and talk to her about how P.C. our world has become we'd be laughing.

This morning on "The Today Show" they featured a family that had their whole house and yard decked out in Christmas lights. My grandparents had nothing so extravagant and the decorating was courtesy of my uncle stringing the lights across the roof line and their front row of bushes, but the effect was welcoming and warm. as I'd drive up, especially after dark, knowing my uncle had wanted to do this for them in their later years to make the holiday special, knowing they'd turned on the lights for me, for the same reason.

The double edge is that although I have these memories and knew my grandparents so well they nearly speak from some place inside, they are not waiting for me. They do no wait for me to pick up the phone. They do not wait for me to accelerate down the long hill, even with foot on the brake, before turning up their drive to the little ranch with the large American flag in the yard and the Christmas lights glowing like gum drops. Often I could see their shadows through the blinds of the kitchen, sitting at the table, tv on, waiting near the door. For me.